To lose it all again or have I?

How do we find the answer in our head, do we use how happy it makes us or how sad, is that right to think that way. Using our past but were we in the right frame of mind to begin with how long have I been suffering with PTSD did I lose everything the first time because I was out of my mind, has it happened again who am I, what am I.

Or is it just a dream.

To be made to fell worthless, am I? Who knows who can tell you it’s only words or is it. But round it goes, you hear one thing and stand up for you self to be told so many things that hurt you deep down but when you feel that it was not you that did or said the things you have had thrown in your face you think of who you were and who you want to be and then realise the gap is so big that you fell you will never make it what do you do, how, why me is it the money the amount of sadness the amount of happiness but when you are not happy with you self does any of that matter how can a man make someone happy when they hate everything about themselves what they have done and how they remember it, but is it true, where is the answer.

I thought I had found it but now losing everything again I doubt myself and who I am what I was and what I want to be why? Or is it I have found myself and need nothing other than myself.

Am I me now having been so happy over the last week, being so afraid of going throw a process of change to find myself worried that the person I come back is not really the person I want to be or is it and thinking if I change will I lose the ones I love again and now it’s happened why did I do it but I was broken or was I, am I better than I was before do I measure it on what I have left when you have nothing you cannot lose any more so it right to feel now that life will get better it has to doesn’t it, but am I in the right frame of mind do I go with it as it is all gone cause if I get it back, is it right, is that what I want but if I am not me how do I know ?
Am I just lost in myself and when I return I find I do not have what I want and can no longer get in back can I just ask. So simple a question too soon, too late, is it about the timing, right place right time.

I again am not in the place I want to be but this time is it right? What will be, will be! Why, why me, what do I do, how, when if it’s just time.
But time is made up if the clock stops the sun will still set and rise again.

Will I fall apart again try to take my own life? NO! because I have a future whatever it entails for me so did it help was it worth it, by god yes because I am who I am and no one will drag me down again as I am me and I am worthy.